I feel blocked. Mentally clogged up. My mind is in dire need of a full-scale, psychological detox.
My re-ignited proactive spell was, unfortunately, short lived. Not that it should define a person, you know, but it has now been replaced by my all too familiar day dreams. Occasionally, I waste time convincing myself these day dreams are sort of a mental trial run at life, similar to the way an athlete might visualise their success before a race. Alas, I am no longer athletic or amphibious basing myself solely on anything dry and still, usually a couch. There is no need for me to visually plan my life the way I used to. It’s only college, after all. Everyone goes. A lot of people have no idea what they are doing. Some drop out. Some don’t. I am obsessed with having a concrete blueprint for life; something I can follow to the letter and never stray from, taking all the stress out of life. Having been in London, very briefly might I add, my MA Fashion Photography plan is starting to melt.
I touched on my experience in a previous post and had almost decided not to address it again. What was the point? Each time I attempted to document my psychological adventure my thoughts would immediately disperse. Yet, these same thoughts have me trapped as I cannot switch them off. Bed is for sleeping, not tossing and turning and thinking. Paranoid that I may have mentally committed myself to something, which might not be right for me, I decided to ignore it because that is the smart thing to do. Obviously. I despise making plans and having to change them. There is something so soothing and comforting about certainty and I am realising I cannot force it on myself.
This morning, I finally completed my feedback form for my course. When I was handed my form, I furiously scribbled every criticism I had in to boxes I had drawn myself, which I then complained about. There was enough room to sum two weeks in to a sentence – ‘I had a great time and my teacher was amazing.’ Vomit. Even in college at home, once presented with the opportunity to express how I feel about anything, I take it by the scruff and burn it’s ear off. What can I say? Better out than in. This time, I think I should keep some of it to myself though. It’s hard to evaluate an educational experience without referring to your tutor, and sometimes it’s impossible to refer to your tutor without being negative. Will our paths ever cross again? I have no idea. Having said that, criticism directed at one person generally offends, not that I’m worried about offending anyone who will read this, it’s just the reason behind e-mailing my feedback now rather than handing it up on the last day. Given I was so desperate to return home, confrontation was the last thing I wanted, not that the course went without any. One person overshadowed my whole time there, sucking all the positive enthusiasm I had for the course, the college and fashion photography out of me. It’s lead to a complete re-evaluation of my post-college plans, which is, on one hand, really bloody annoying, and on the other, relieving. It’s better to know now than when you are neck deep in an MA, in a different country, away from everything familiar to you, right?
Why are all of my London posts so negative? Eugh. I really enjoyed my time there, honest!
As for my love of fashion photography, I’ve realised being so specific about my work is not a negative thing. It’s just going to take me a little longer than I had originally anticipated. Given my BA is so broad, I should be thinking about all the subjects I’m doing instead of putting all my eggs in one basket. It felt funny typing that because I have polycystic ovaries and have no eggs. LOL.
Way to end on such an uncomfortable, positive note, Sara!